One year

It has been one year and five days since Anthony and I separated. I think back to how I felt a year ago. I was completely devastated. My whole world had come crashing down around me and I did not know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. I felt like such a failure. I had to move back in with my mom and granny... fail. I didn't have a husband to rely on anymore...fail. I was broke...fail. I was in therapy...fail. My anxiety and stress were at an all time high...fail. What I did not see were all the good things in my life. I have a loving family that are willing and able to take me in when I need somewhere to go...success! I have the most loving, supportive and uplifting group of friends to pick me up when I am down...success! I am healthy and able to work...success! My fantastic therapist, Kaye Barboree, has given me the tools I need to overcome obstacles that come my way...success! I am getting better every day at overcoming anxiety and dealing with stress...success! I have an awesome God that "will never leave me, nor forsake me." Hebrews 13:5....success!

In October, after eight and a half years, I decided it was time to get out of my father's shadow and go to work at a different salon. He and I are so much alike, and both so stubborn, that I decided it would be best for our relationship if I worked somewhere else. I called my friend, Dama, to see if they had an opening at Fringe, where she works. It just so happens that they were in need of another stylist. I spoke with Felicia, the owner, and she said she would be happy to have me come be a part of the salon. I was so nervous about starting over at a new place. Would we get along? Would my clients like it there? I had so many questions whirling around in my head. The first day I was there, I felt so comfortable. It felt like I was meant to be there. Felicia and Dama have been so wonderful. I love them like family. I truly believe God sent me to them. I am so much more relaxed and happy. I love going to work everyday and I like being there. Some days I stay way later than I have to just because I love it so much! I truly feel like I belong there...yet another success!

As far as Anthony and I go...I am to the point now where I would be okay if we decide to get divorced. I could not say that a year ago. Then, I wanted with my whole being to get back together with him and have my life back in order. Now, I am not so sure what I want. I know that I am not going to rush any decisions. I still love him, he is one of my very best friends in the whole world. I don't know if that is enough. I still have a lot of thinking to do where that is concerned. I do know that I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I need to figure out whether or not I can trust that he won't hurt me like that again. Neither one of us has really tried to do anything to get back on track like we should have. From the beginning we should have been going on dates and talking about our relationship to figure out how to move forward. Meanwhile, I have learned that I can and will be okay regardless of what happens. I am a stong and capable woman!

On another note, I am turning the big 3-0 in eleven days. OMG! I was feeling a little blue about turning thirty but I remembered that a) thirty is not old b) I still look like I am in my early twenties and c) I get to start a new chapter in my life! I know that God has big plans for me! I am excited to see what the future holds!

What a difference a year makes! I am truly blessed!

Granny and Addy

My cousin Jennifer had her baby, Addison Kate, June 12th. She is absolutely beautiful! The Lord has truly blessed our family with this new addition. Because Granny has been sick, she didn't have enough strength to hold her. Jenny brought Addy over tonight and Granny got to hold her for the first time! I had to post a picture of the moment to share with everyone. Two very special blessings in one room! God is good!

Granny is home!

Granny got out of the hospital today!!!!!!!!!! I am sooo excited that we finally have her home after a week and a half. We thought we might be losing her this time last week. She got extremely weak and refused to eat and was not herself at all. It was like someone else was inhabiting her body. She got downright mean. I am proud to say that she is totally herself again and gaining more and more strength every day. Her appetite has increased dramatically. God has really answered our prayers! I feel so blessed that she is getting better and is at home. I missed having her around. Thank you to those who lifted her, and us, up in prayer! Praise God for the power of prayer and that I get to spend more time with my extra BFF Granny!

My first blog post!

I have decided to join the world of blogging. This is really more for myself than for anyone else. Its just a way for me to get out what is going on in my world. For me to work through the bridges that I am trying to cross in my life. Some are broken and some are whole. But, no matter what, I always make it to the other side. The bridges we cross in life mold us into who we are. So, here goes....

Three months ago my husband, Anthony, and I separated. We had been together for 8 1/2 years and married for 2 1/2. I have anxiety issues that I let take over my life. It got to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, for fear of having a panic attack. Going to work somedays was even difficult for me to do. I pretty much got lazy with everything in my life. I guess I was kind of depressed too. I didn't want to cook or clean. I was always looking for a way out of doing things with people when they asked me to. I don't know exactly when I let the fear of anxiety take over, but it completely did. I thought that Anthony would always stay with me no matter what, so I didn't really pay attention when he told me that it was bothering him. I told myself that he would never leave me. WRONG!

When he told me that he wanted to separate, I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I moved back in with my Mom and Granny and tried to pick up the pieces of my life. I started seeing a therapist to help me with the anxiety issues. So far it has helped tremendously. I still struggle with the anxiety daily, but I am learning to handle it a different way.

As much as I hate to say it, the separation was something I really needed. If he hadn't wanted to separate, I probably would have continued the way I was. I needed to be shaken out of the funk I allowed myself to get in. I am by no means trying to justify him breaking my heart like that. But, I don't think I would have truly tried to get better if he had just come to me and told me it was bothering him.

I think too that God knew I needed to be home with my Granny right now. We just found out the beginning of May, that she has a tumor in her pelvic region. It is about the size of a softball, according to the doctors. They started her on chemo and radiation about a month ago. She stays nauseus all the time from all the medicine in her body. She got to the point that she wasn't eating much and barely drinking anything either. Last Saturday night she got so weak that she couldn't make it back to her chair from the bathroom. Mom and I decided that it would be a good idea to take her to the emergency room. The doctors said that her kidney function was way down and that she was dehydrated so they admitted her. For a few days there, we thought we were losing her. She was so weak that she couldn't finish a sentence. She was still refusing to eat and barely drinking. We finally realized that it was the morphine they put her on that was causing her to be that way. Slowly she has started eating and drinking again and is becoming more like herself. Praise God for that. My Granny is my very best friend in the whole world. She knows things that I don't even tell my very BFF. I don't know what I am gonna do when the Lord finally does call her home. I know that no matter what I will survive and be a stronger woman because of it.

I guess that is more than enough for now. I am sure my first blog post was excessively long but there was a lot of catching up to do for you to be updated on me. Thanks for reading!